Where to, dear future?

Hi there!

You might be wondering who I am and what I’m doing? I don’t know yet.
Why did I create this blog? Now, this I can answer.

This summer I publicly announced (to my family) that it was time for me to decide what I want to do with my life. It sounds simple enough, right?
Well, it wasn’t and it isn’t… and I really wish there would have been someone to tell me that I don’t have to decide in this very moment or on this specific date what I want to do in the future. But I guess I wouldn’t have listened anyways. I’m stubborn like that.
I made a decision later that instead of stressing about what I want to do in the future I would just live in the ‘NOW’ and record through writing how I get along.
I have had my fair share of anxieties and fears that have kept me from doing things that I love and feel passionate about. One of those passions is writing. I am not saying I was born to be an author who has written loads of novels about my troubled childhood or coming-of-age short stories and has them lying around, untouched, to collect dust and built tiny paper towers. I just enjoy writing what I feel because sometimes I have trouble saying it out loud.

This summer I learnt a very important lesson. I always wondered what I wanted.
I know this is the vaguest sentence that you have ever read, and yet, I spent hours… or maybe days… thinking about what it is that I wanted. What was my aim? Why am I on this planet and not in another universe that we humans have yet to discover? What is my purpose? What drives me?

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I’m 21 and people tell me I have lots of time to figure out what I really want to do.
Or they ask me, feigning compassion, about my future and then suddenly they flip the finger at me and tell me that when they were in my age they knew exactly what they wanted and why.
Well… I don’t. I know what I don’t want. Mushrooms in my pasta. Sparkling water instead of still. But what do I want to do with my future? I have no freaking clue. And that is absolutely fine.
It is no one else’s business but mine. I am not losing out by not knowing yet. It will come to me.

After many nights lying awake determining that this was the summer that I had to find out exactly what my future was going to look like, I realised I didn’t even know what the question ‘What do I want?’ encompassed.
What are we referring to when we ask that question?
It should probably be: What do I want in life?
A safe job, a big house, a family and enough money to sustain that life. Isn’t that was most people want? And while I agree that this vision of the future paints a nice, little picture, it does so in black and white. Where in the world is your big house? What is your dream job that let’s you make enough money for that life?

So, a few weeks later my mind was in over-drive. I had researched several options of what I could do after uni but, all in all, instead of giving me answers, it made me realise that I was completely unsatisfied with my current situation. I didn’t like the courses that I signed up for at University anymore. It was not the direction that I wanted to go in my life. I was not in the mind set that I liked. Things were not right. I did not like it. And I can’t believe it took me this long to realise it.
So here I am. Whoever is reading this… I am going to take you on a journey as I figure out what I’m going to do with my life.

So, what do I want to say in this little story of mine? The key message is that whoever or where ever you are in life, if you are a student like me who has no idea what to expect of the future, or any other age or occupation who is just drifting around. Take a look at your current situation. What is there that you don’t like? What can you do about it? What is there to change?
Personally, I didn’t know where to start so I started with the hardest thing for me. Obviously.
I didn’t say I knew what I was doing, remember? For me, it was changing my mind set.

My mind is pretty complex, like everyone’s, and it likes to mess me up with unnecessary fears, anxieties and thoughts. My solution was to remind myself that all those fears, anxieties and thoughts were not important. They had no value. They were just like ghosts spooking around in my mind because I let them. They hindered me from doing things that I liked or saying things that I felt passionate about.

It’s not easy, it’s a work in progress. But I did start writing this… so I assume I’m on a good path.

What about you?

Vicky x

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